So as I sit here on a rainy night, alone, listening to Pandora I can't help but have a bit of de ja vu. I looked back to my blog from March 30th last year because then I was on this self healing prescription that required me to journal and exercise daily, but its deleted, which means it was so sad or angry I decided to erase it for posterity's sake when my life became this amazing happy place. Still, comparing then to now makes me laugh. I went from counting days I hadn't cried, to counting the days left until we get married. I did it again, because really, its funny to have known my thoughts then and to know how very wrong I was.
I took a large step recently. I got over it. The "it" if which I speak need not be named, as the only person who reads this knows what it means. Needless to say, parts of me, whether I fully realized it or not carried this "it" with me deep inside to break out and torture myself when I was a bit too happy or comfy with how things were going, just to knock myself down a bit. ( I'm a glutton for punishment any day of the week.)
But as I sat mulling over wedding vows and counting down days, I realized I needed to let this go. As my significant other has told me over and over, nothing happened, there was nothing to worry about and it was time to forget it. But stubborn me likes to pick at scabs whenever possible and so I've kept this one from healing. But since I was not allowed to pick in Lent, maybe I was able to let this alone long enough to forgive and move on. So I mended the bridge that I had been pretty adamant about burning. I made the last step in my forgiveness. And I put myself out there....to be trampled on and rejected to also give that "it" a chance at their own portion of closure. And I was quite pleasantly surprised that time does heal all wounds and in the end everything was fine and dandy. So yay for those things.
We have made mistakes in the past. I will probably never be able to say they were of an equal magnitude for the pain and hurt they inflicted but then again I can only feel from my perspective and so I'm not very objective. But what I do know is that the hurt has been erased daily with love, sweetness, kindness, thoughtfulness, silliness, tickling and plans for a happy future. I'm actually thankful for feeling that devastation this time last year, because it makes this year so much better. It was another chance for me to step back and look at myself, my life and evolve into a better, more grown up individual with more to give to others.
And so, even after a heart wrenching day ended by rolling my horribly debilitated patient through a hallway with his in denial wife at our side, like a funeral procession, with holy water and all just to make him smile and give him a change of the scenery in his hospital room, I cannot wait to fall deeper in love with the man I have chosen to spend my life with. I can't wait to love him so much that I cannot give up hope even when it completely opposes logic and reason. I love Brian with everything I have now, but I know love changes (he tells me this and is always right so...). If there is one benefit of working where I work, it is seeing how love matures. How lovers become friends. How spouses remain friends. How back scratching seems to feel like sex when you are 75+. How humor between a husband and wife is what gets you past 20 years of marriage. How holding onto any part of your significant other creates a connection, whether its their hand or toe. I'm so excited that I have someone to share that love with and I hope we are blessed with many more days together.
The end. I know I'm a dork :)
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